Autistic Disdain

Autistic Disdain is moving

2010-11-05T08:26:00.000-07:00

Things that are fun: writing about (and making fun of) gadgets and tech.

Things that are not fun: wrestling with Blogger software while managing a bunch of other WordPress blogs that all work nicely.

So, Autistic Disdain is moving to http://autisticdisdain.wordpress.com . I'm going to see what I can do about migrating all of the old posts over as well. Hate to leave them behind.

See you folks on the other side!

U.S. Cyber Command Achieves 'Full Operational Capab-....Wait, We Have A Cyber Command?!

2010-11-05T08:04:00.001-07:00

File this under "Stuff That Probably Sounds Cooler Than It Is", but apparently the U.S. now has a Cyber Command. A sub-department of the DoD. Their responsibilities? "Directing activities to operate and defend DoD networks." So, um....sweet?

According to the DoD press release on the subject, the new Cyber Command....does stuff. Like, um...."transitioning personnel" and defending our networks. My guess? China's been back-tracing some stuff and, as it turns out, we don't really have a Cyber Pohlice. Until now that is!

It is unclear if this new Cyber Enforcement Agency Power Go! will be handling issues on the home front (they won't) or if they'll stick to more boring stuff like handling the regular attempts by foreign powers to invade our government's military secrets from secure network facilities (ok yeah, that one). Suffice to say, Google finally won't be the only ones on the offensive against foreign cyber invasion.

T-Mobile Claims Title of Largest 4G Network, Pisses Off Everyone

2010-11-02T19:45:00.000-07:00

Not content with annoying pedantic nerds, T-Mobile has decided to go and piss off Sprint, Verizon, and AT&T by claiming they now have the nation's largest 4G network. Verizon and AT&T are stuck retorting with PR statements nobody cares about, since they can't reply with counter-ads since they have no 4G network of their own to advertise yet. Sprint keeps hawking the Evo.

Of course, competing carriers aren't the only ones T-Mo is pissing off. The ITU, which is kinda like the FCC for the UN but not really, is in the business of regulating all of the other acronyms the UN hasn't already used up. And they've determined that "4G" can only apply to WiMax2 and LTE-Advanced. Why? Screw you. That's why.

So, T-Mobile's just hung the sense of it and started putting out ads twisting the knife.

Google Apologizes For Getting All Up In Your Gmail By Getting All Up In Your Gmail

2010-11-02T16:39:00.000-07:00

"Google rarely contacts Gmail users via email, but we are making an exception to let you know that we've reached a settlement in a lawsuit regarding Google Buzz"

I know. You feel bad. But I really just don't want to talk to you. I broke up with you because you were creepy and went snooping through my email. That was a huge invasion of privacy. I don't want you to apologize. I want you to leave.

"Shortly after its launch, we heard from a number of people who were concerned about privacy."

I know. You've made great progess. I'm glad you've got into rehab. But that doesn't change what you did. So please. Just leave. I want to move on with my life.

"The settlement acknowledges that we quickly changed the service to address users' concerns. In addition, Google has committed $8.5 million to an independent fund, most of which will support organizations promoting privacy education and policy on the web."

You're not going to win me back. Please. Go away. Leave my house or I'm going to call the police.

"This mandatory announcement was sent to all Gmail users in the United States as part of a legal settlement"

Alright. Fine. Then go back and tell your sponsor you've fulfilled your duties or whatever. I'll say "I forgive you" or whatever I need to do to get you to go. Just please. Go.

T-Mobile Is The Enemy Of Nerds Everywhere

2010-10-28T07:19:00.000-07:00

The phone pictured to the left? That is the T-Mobile MyTouch 4G. Four. Gee. How many Gees? Four. What are there four of? The Gees. Four.

Gee.

Of course, what those Gee's mean is anybody's guess. 4th generation of something? Sure I guess so. I mean, HSDPA+ is, technically an iteration of the more common-place HSPA technology that T-Mobile uses for their 3G data. And yes, HSDPA+ is faster. And yes it does have two whole extra characters! One letter and one symbol. Seriously. That plus? That's like adding flames to the front of your car.

Is it 4G? Eh. Who cares? Well, nerds for one. "Well, techniiiically, it's only a 3.5G tech, because it's theoretical bandwidth isn't as high as WiMax and especially not LTE."

Let me tell ya', there's few things as attractive, in marketing as "3.5G". Mm-mm. Nope. I mean, remember what I told you about symbols? The point in three-point-five? That's kind of a symbol! And that means awesome. Plus 3.5G has an extra number. Not sure why they're not calling it 3.5G to be honest. But I guess they felt simpler is better.

"But it's imprecise! It's only going to cause user confusion in the long-term!"

Shut up nerd.

The New Nook Is Going To Crush You With Awesome

2010-10-26T13:18:00.000-07:00

This is the new, color Nook. And this woman? She is terrified of it. Look at her. She is taken aback by the mind-boggling vastness of it's potential. She is positively floored. Or about to be.

Do you understand? Do you get just how unbelievable this new Nook is? I DON'T THINK YOU DO.

It's magnificent. Unbelievable. Positively flabbergasting. Mesmerizingly ostentatious.

It's like....

....whoa.

This Dress Is Like The Matrix, Less Evil, More Messy 2-Year-Old

2010-10-12T07:33:00.000-07:00

I don't think this needs any other commentary.

Except maybe: Whaaaaaaaa-?

And: The heeeeeeck?!

And also: Dude, I'm gonna get one for my girlfriend.

The Apple Store Trolling Chronicles -- The iPad is a Big iPod Touch

2010-10-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

In today's edition, the new iPods are the center of attention. Specifically, what about that fancy new iPod Touch? What's the difference between it and an iPhone?

"Basically, the phone part. And, there is a little bit less memory. It's only got 256MB to the iPhone's 512MB. So, it's really closer to an iPad."

As an aside: if you have constant access to WiFi, or a decently priced WiFi hotspot plan, you could make do with an iPod Touch instead of an iPhone. That WiFi hotspot plan was also the Apple Store rep's idea.

But this "It's closer to an iPad" thing intrigues me.....So, what's the difference between an iPod Touch and an iPad?

"Well, basically, the size. It's bigger, so, you know, you can put your whole hand on it. Basically, it's a computer......"

I'm sorry, I just wanna make sure I'm getting this clear. The difference between a $300 iPod Touch and a $600 iPad* is that it's bigger?

"Yeah, basically."

And, you know, the cameras.

"Well, yeah, the cameras, too. So, you couldn't say, do video chat with an iPad. Or take pictures. Or video."

But it's bigger?

"Yeah."

K thanks!

Also, I asked him if I could get the iPod Nano any bigger. "Well, it comes in 8GB and 16GB-" No, I mean....bigger. That screen is tiny. "Oh. No. That's as big as they come." Thanks again!

* -- Compare 32GB, WiFi-only models. The iPod Touch starts at $230 for 8GB and the iPad WiFi model starts at $500 for 16GB.

PCs Are Undead, Baby, PCs are Undead

2010-09-29T10:17:00.001-07:00

As you are surely aware, the desktop, the notebook, and the netbook are all dead, baby, dead. The death of a technology proven, of course, by any given chart that contains a negative number, disregarding context. That being said, some new conflicting evidence has cropped up in Canada, contesting these claims of death.

NPD reports that Canada is seeing a rise in PC sales. 20% for laptops and 30% for desktops. Surprising given that nobody uses PCs anymore. With something like 4 million iPads sold, pretty much everyone has them by now, so Canada is at a loss to explain why PC sales are rising.

But I'm not. Clearly, the dead laptops and desktops are now joining the ranks of the undead. And frankly, it makes perfect sense strategically. With so many different events that are set to destroy this world--alien invasion, Armageddon, 2012, the return of whatever Scientologists are waiting for, the new 3D Star Wars movies--it's only logical that two of the most hotly anticipated end-of-the-world scenarios would team up for a joint venture: the zombie apocalypse and the robot uprising. Think of it as the Hulu for the end of life as we know it.

This fall, all Windows wants to do is eat your brains*.

*-- Well, ok, so that part is nothing new.

We Will Never Be Free: 74 Percent of Work PCs Have Cheap Bosses, Run XP

2010-07-12T21:19:00.000-07:00

Engadget reports, grudgingly, that Microsoft has announced they are extending to corporations an upgrade amnesty, saying they will allow corporations to exercise "downgrade rights" for new machines they purchase with Windows 7. For those unfamiliar, "downgrade rights" are defined as "those rights, endowed by one's creator, to rollback to old operating systems like Windows XP, and generally be an old fogey and curmodgeon".

I am, of course, paraphrasing.

That being said, currently, according to Microsoft, 74% percent of corporate machines run 4-5 year old hardware on Windows XP, a nine-year-old OS. To keep all of these up-to-date on the latest operating systems is an impossibility. Even if those updates didn't come with a hefty price tag. And yet, old software is a breeding ground for malware, not to mention inefficiency which, on a corporate scale, could cost more than upgrading.

So what's the solution?

There is none. Sorry folks. Getting 100% of the corporate world to use the current version of Windows would be less likely than getting Israel and Palestine to quit fighting over a tiny patch of dirt at the nexus of three of the largest continents in the world, or getting me to understand half the items on a Starbucks menu.

HuluPlus Comparison Chart

2010-07-07T17:55:00.000-07:00

Here's a comparison chart of Hulu, HuluPlus, and Netflix. Some notable tidbits:

-- Free Hulu doesn't have too much in the way of full seasons, but they're not without their gems. Especially older shows like Highlander and Doogie Howser. Though, putting Doogie Howser behind a paywall would be as cruel as requiring a subscription to Xbox Live just to play that Netflix Streaming you already pay for on your TV.

-- HuluPlus does offer an impressive library of back episodes, but it does get bested more than once by Netflix' library. Though, apparently Netflix' interest in maintaining an impressive television show library starts to taper off after shows that start with B, with a serious prejudice to Cs.

-- While I'm fairly certain it did not affect the data presented here, while collecting data, some shows were added or removed from the listing on the promo page for HuluPlus. It is entirely possible that the data here may be incorrect by time I submit this article.

Also, since this is supposed to be a comedy blog.....

.....buttfarts.

Super. Mario. Live. Wallpapers

2010-06-28T10:21:00.000-07:00

I'm not even going to make fun of this. This is just too amazing.

Some things are sacred.

Action starts around 0:40. You can download the package here.

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2010-06-23T19:46:00.000-07:00

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Dear Fox: Stay Out Of My Gadgets

2010-06-09T12:01:00.000-07:00

I don't know much about politics. In fact, I think after the last year or so I know far more about politics than I ever cared to. Call it social pressure or just becoming an adult, but suddenly things like foreign policy and economy aren't just empty words. They're empty words rambled about by empty heads. But you know what? Maybe I'm just not educated. So I'll stick to doing what I normally do. Calling out liars for being liars, even if I don't know what the truth is.

And that's always been my position with Fox. The level of intentional idiocy, misdirection, or misunderstanding spouted as wisdom at this network has always astounded me.

But OC, you cry, if you don't know anything about politics or business, how can you say they're wrong? To which I'd reply, a.) I hadn't told you I don't know much about business, where did you hear that? And 2.) I never said I know they're wrong. I said I know they're liars. There's a difference. A liar can tell you the truth in such a way that you walk away misinformed. An honest person can be wrong, and you'll still come out of that conversation wiser. Of course, I can only ever really tell that folks at Fox are liars by inclinations. Instinct. They use suggestive cues to lead you down a pre-defined mental path. I don't know, concerning the subject matter, how they're wrong, except that they act like a sleazy car salesman, or the player I knew in high school who sweet-talked girls into having sex with him, then left them when they were at their most emotionally vulnerable, several hundred miles from home, with no family, about to be homeless.

*ahem*

......But then, every once in a while, I get a gem like this where Fox decided to venture into my territory. Technology. Cell phones, computers, the internet. And almost without fail, any time they mention tech, there's something seriously wrong with their reporting. Today's venture? iPhone vs. Android. As an unashamed fan of Android (though I can be fair when the iPhone deserves credit), I was outright dismayed that Fox was covering this "battle" I'd been following since before the G1 came out.

To start with, the claim that "Disappointingly, the new iPhone (due June 24) doesn't use faster 4G service". Listen, I now own an Evo, and I can tell you, yeah, it's great having the option. But if you were actually expecting 4G service on an iPhone this year, you are out of the loop. AT&T's LTE network is not prepared for a 4G phone until at least 2011 (same as Verizon). Sprint is currently the only one with a 4G (abeit, WiMax) network ready, and will be at least until the end of the year.

Then there's this: "Even Jobs faced service problems during his presentation on Monday."

It would take nothing more than having seen the keynote or reading any article about it to know that the iPhone demos were not being done over AT&T's network, but rather a WiFi signal. You're heavily implying that AT&T was the cause of the data disruption (given that this sentence comes right after you describe AT&T's network as "beleaguered"). Now, I love a good AT&T jab as much as the next non-AT&T user, but come on. Where it's due, please.

But then, the worst of it all.....you mentioned the Garmin phone. The Garmin phone as one of the hot new Android handsets. And why? "It combines the best of a standalone navigation device with the best of a smart phone."

*sigh*

You are officially unqualified to comment on smartphone issues. You cannot possible pit the Garminfone against the iPhone 4 and expect to not get laughed off your blog. Especially when you're touting it's navigation powers, when any Android handset comes with built-in turn-by-turn navigation for free. Admittedly, the Garminfone has offline-maps in its favor, but it's not worth going back to Android 1.6. You know what Android 1.6 is, don't you? No? Oh that's right, you just started paying attention to Android last month.

And the cherry on top?

"It's also anticipated that Verizon will debut a 4G phone within the next few months"

When dealing with Fox, I generally find there's a couple different categories information falls into. Sprinkling of Truth, Misdirecting Half-Truths, and Damn Lies. This is a Damn Lie. Verizon has specifically stated they will not have a 4G phone at least until 2011. As I stated earlier, neither Verizon nor AT&T has the LTE network ready for a 4G phone. And when they do, we gadget nerds will know about it long before you do. Unless you define "the next few months" as "next year", you are simply flat out wrong.

So please. Stop trying to report the gadget news. You really suck at it. And I'm getting tired of having to correct you every time I talk to my friends who end up reading your drivel.

Proof the iPad is Magical

2010-06-08T16:59:00.001-07:00

A hint for all you up-and-coming ladies-men out there: If you require a mass-manufactured device to get a girl's attention, you are already doing it wrong from the start.

A tip for all the ladies: If the most interesting thing about a guy is his iPad, raise your standards.

The New Face of the Modern Gamer

2010-05-27T00:14:00.001-07:00

According to CTA this is it. Nevermind the crappy Photoshop job. And nevermind the mildly attractive/intimidating model CTA used to demo the Wii Weighted Gloves. And yes, she is intimidating. But not because she's physically fit or apparently enjoys a good boxing match. But rather because she has the cojones to be photographed wearing the gloves. A fashion statement that simultaneously says "I am a person who enjoys being physically active" and "I am allergic to sunlight."

Then there's the Wings for Wii. An accessory that you can attach to your arms while playing games like Bird's Eye Bull's Eye, for the Wii Fit. A game that requires you to flap your arms to maintain lift while you, a man in a chicken suit, flies from one precarious inexplicable ledge in the middle of an ocean to another.

In their defense, adding wings would increase your drag, making it more difficult to flap, and thus giving you an ever-so-slightly better work out than without the wings. On the other hand, you look retarded.

But if you look at this woman and think "Man, I hope I can be that cool when I grow up," then may I interest you in the Wii Rowing Machine, the Wii Football Controller, the Wii Bowling Ball, or the Wii Therapist.

*Note: Wii sports are not an acceptable substitute for physical activity, Dr. Phil is not an acceptable substitute for real counseling.

Pixel Zombies: I Take Back Everything I Said, Stick With the iPhone

2010-05-25T18:02:00.001-07:00

Oh, what's that? You're surprised? After all my Android talk. After positively drooling over the Evo, why would I tell you to stick with the iPhone? One word: Zombies.

I thought that Android's open market was a welcome reprieve from Apple's walled garden of the App Store. With no rules on content and minimal technical restrictions, it ought to be a utopia of innovation, right? Wrong. What you're seeing to your left is a screen grab of a live wallpaper (introduced in Android 2.1, currently available for most major Android handsets) demonstrating a zombie invasion. Red dots represent zombies, green dots represent civilians, and blue dots represent zombie hunters. Madness!

I've learned my lesson. I thought that I wanted openness. But now, my home screen has become invaded by starving-mad meat sacks feasting on the flesh of mortals. Now I have to fear that handing my phone to a friend or family member may get them bit and turn them into a seething, bleeding, ravenous monster.

Now I hear what you're saying at this point. "Well, gee golly gosh, Mr. Disdain. That sure sounds like an awful lot of trouble to get into. I sure don't wanna go gettin' Ma or Pop bit with my telephone device." To which I will respond with a.) what the heck is Theodore Cleaver doing shopping for a smartphone? But more importantly: I'm just getting started.

If you drop an icon on to your home screen, this acts as a nuclear bomb. That's right. A nuclear bomb. Governments all over the world are attempting to limit the use of such weapons of terrifying power, and Google, per their custom, wants to give that kind of power to the average user. For free*. No sir. Not me. I do not accept the responsibility!

Unfortunately, I've already pre-ordered my Evo, so I have no choice but to receive my 2.1 Android device that contains a security hole so big, you could drive a zombie invasion through it.

*-- Well, technically, the wallpaper is $1 in the Market. And technically Google didn't make the zombie app. Though supporting the nuclear weapons API in the OS was a hugely irresponsible move on their part so they are just as much to blame.

On Piracy and Theft

2010-05-13T13:39:00.003-07:00

[Editor's Note: Normally, we don't post stuff this serious. Trifling about with morality and right and wrong? Pshaw. We much prefer to sit back and make fun of people and companies that do silly things, make silly things, say silly things, or are silly things. But Offical-As-Of-Now Guest Writer Odin asked to be reposted. And his article has a picture of a nun with an eye patch. And if you think about it, the old lady with a scarf analogy is kind of funny. I mean imagine her face when some punk runs up and steals her scarf but, WHOAAA! It's still in her hand too! Whahahaha! *ahem* But I digress. Anyways, here's his post, originally published here.]

Lets get this straight. Piracy is not theft and theft is not piracy.

Sure enough the two are related concepts but it's wholly inaccurate to classify one as the other. While in the eyes of the law they are both crimes, piracy is one that average people are more ready to commit. Why is that? Namely it's because they don't see the harm in it. If you steal an old ladies purse then that old lady no longer has her purse. Where is she going to put her knitting now? Reasonable people feel guilt over performing such actions and often go crazy from the clickaty-clack of the knitting needles echoing throughout their conscience.

However, if you were to take an exact copy of her purse then she still has somewhere to put her knitting and you'd have half a scarf. Everybody wins. Except of course now you'll never buy her scarves at the weekly jumble sale and she won't be able to afford that trip to Florida any more. Of course most people don't think that far ahead so they'll live quite happily with their ill-gotten gains free from guilt and those pesky haunting knitting needles.

Theft basically boils down to the removal of value. You take something valuable and someone else no longer has that value. It has been irrecoverably (unless they arrest your thieving ass) removed from the system. With piracy though the original value is never removed. What changes is the potential levels of value. And unlike theft piracy can actually result in a gain of value for the victim of the piracy. This I believe is the biggest factor that differentiates piracy from theft, it can actually have a positive effect on value.

Lets revisit our old friend the old knitting lady for some scarf themed examples of the three potential effects of piracy:

1. Negative potential value

This sadly is likely the most common form of piracy and is generally why it's considered theft as well as an all round bad thing. Take Mr Bastard now. Mr Bastard would normally purchase a scarf from the dear old lady but upon finding out he can receive a magical scarf duplicate ends up not doing so. In this case a potential sale existed but then was lost due to piracy. The old lady has lost potential value. And she is sad.

2. Neutral potential value

Probably the second most common form. Take Mr Apathetic. Mr Apathetic would never consider purchasing a scarf from the dear old lady. However he will take a copied one for free. If he couldn't get it for free though he wouldn't purchase one. Here no potential sale existed in the first place so there is nothing lost, nothing gained. It's still not morally correct but the victim has technically lost nothing. The old lady has lost nothing, gained nothing. She is knitting.

3. Positive potential value

What's this? Positive piracy? Surely not! Piracy is a bad dirty crime for thieving bastards I hear you cry. But consider the case of Mr Unconvinced. Like Mr Apathetic he never considered a scarf purchase. However upon trying a free copy of it he comes to the realisation that he really likes it and pays the old lady her due. Here this is a sale that previously didn't exist in potentia but was created through piracy. The old lady has actually gained value from this. She is off to Florida.

This isn't an endorsement of piracy nor is it showing that it's morally acceptable. It's merely an illustration that it's more complicated than simple theft and how the two actions should be considered independently of each other. It's not such a black and white concept.

Unlike this Jolly Roger I'm knitting.

The iPhone is Dead, Baby, the iPhone is Dead

2010-05-11T19:46:00.000-07:00

Compiled to the left is a totally in-context, not at all disingenuous chart of data that shows, definitively, that the iPhone is dead.

Compare. Between October 2009 and January of 2010. The iPhone experienced only a 0.3% increase, while the Android platform experienced a 4.3% increase. Whoa! Then, between November and February, a whole month later, the span is now that the iPhone saw -0.1% increase (that's negative), while Android saw 5.2% increase.

Nevermind that "increase" is poorly defined, that the time frames are disingenuous, and that the source method is obscure or unreliable. Here's the point. If you were to draw a line from the right corner of the green column to the right corner of the purple column for the iPhone, the line goes downhill. But if you do that for the Android columns, they go uphill. Clearly, Android is the winner!

This is in line with what NDP recently posted, stating that Android sales, according to customer surveys because that's how you measure sales, for the first time exceeded iPhone sales. According to the Diazian Growth Principle, slow growth, approaching zero, means that a product is dead. If that is not enough proof, look at the third column. The iPhone's "Aliveness" column is currently at 0, indicating a ton of deadness. While Androids' alive level is over 9000!

The only logical conclusion that we can come to is that the iPhone is dead. Nevermind that, even if Android is currently accelerating at a rate faster than the iPhone, the iPhone OS still has a larger install base. Nevermind that the Android app market, yet another way for mobile OSes to measure their epeen, still lags behind Apples. And nevermind that the two, though bitter rivals, compete for almost entirely different customers since the iPhone is limited to exclusively AT&T, and any halfway decent Android handset is limited to almost anything but AT&T. Nevermind all of that. Listen. The iPhone is dead.

One might tend to think that it would be reasonable to assume that Android has a chance of overtaking the iPhone in terms of market share in the future, though not presently. And that same one might believe that both are good mobile OSes and that the competition coming up in the year to come is exciting for both sides and that neither is showing any sign of calling it quits any time soon.

That "one" can tell it to Morgan Stanley. Let go.

Blackberry Releases Confusing Ad For 6.0

2010-04-27T08:58:00.000-07:00

Blackberry is currently still sitting at the top of their field right now, with more mobile users than any other platform, including the iPhone. Yes, seriously. But any business owner could tell you, stagnation leads to ruin. And while Blackberry has the most users now, (and in fact, they're showing more increase than Apple in recent months), they need to stay competitive if they want to keep ahead of the game. But how do you get new users when you're already entrenched in the business space, but don't appeal in the slightest to average consumers?

People in suits dancing, of course!

I'm honestly not sure what I'm supposed to make of this ad. For the first minute, we see a woman who is very professionally dressed dancing around while using her holographic* Blackberry. Though I honestly can't tell if she's a successful businesswoman, or just dressed nicely while she works her retail job at a store in the mall.

Then BusinessMan Dan shows up. And he seems to be genuinely concerned about the positioning of his cufflinks. He fiddles with his tie, cufflinks, or wristwatch no fewer than five times. So if you're a vain, obsessive-compulsive business type, this phone might be for you. But then, you knew that already, didn't you? Well shoot. Who is this ad targeting then?

Then the high schooler shows up.

This high school kid, who appears to have a full-beard mind you, dances around in front of a set of lockers. Because, you know, that's what high school kids do these days, I guess. He clearly enjoys all of his Facebooks and Twitters as he dances about. This further solidifies the already concrete media perception that a.) social networks are only for kids, and 2.) that adults (like BusinessMan Dan) should do things kids like. Like use Blackberries. Or something.

Anyways, I guess the whole point here is, if you're a successful business type, or a kid who's been held back one too many times, or an ambiguous sexy lady, then Blackberries are for you. They can do everything you want from a phone! Provided everything you want from a phone is email, Twitters, and now....music.

*-- Note: Blackberry not actually holographic. Because that would be seriously killer.

Giz Finds iPhone, Giz Gets Raided, I Just Want My Evo

2010-04-26T14:52:00.001-07:00

A while back, Giz outed Apple's new ~~ice cream sandwich~~ iPhone. That was pretty cool. It has a front-facing camera.

Just like my Evo.

Then they were talking about Gray Powell or something. Apparently this guy lost the phone I guess.

I wouldn't lose my Evo.

Then there was something about "did Giz steal the phone"? I guess buying stuff that doesn't belong to someone can get you in some legal trouble.

That's ok. I'll buy my Evo fair and square.

And now there's something about one of the Giz editors getting raided. And now everyone has a legal opinion or some such. Some folks are totally shocked by this.

I'm totally shocked by the Evo.

4G data. WiFi sharing. 720p output. Android 2.1 and all that entails. The Sense UI.

Sorry dudes. I could hardly care less. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some drooling over Evo pictures to do.

Screw the Iphone... The Story we Should be focusing on; Is Steve Jobs among us?

2010-04-22T11:32:00.000-07:00

Currently there is some outrage over this week's photoshop contest; "Help Steve Jobs Strike Back". Apparently this is a way of admitting guilt? Or something... But the real thing we should be worrying about is that doesn't it seem suspicious that Frucci would go out of his way to help SJobs out? I'm sure this week has been a stressful one for him, and his creativity is probably a little burnt out. Having people pour in suggestions on the best way to retaliate is exactly what he needs. But how did he acomplish this? Simple. Mind control on Frucci; one of the least likely suspects. If it was Jesus Diaz, we all would have caught on ages ago, but Frucci mainly provides us with Lul'z... ensuring that he slips under the radar when it comes to the deep stuff. We all need to be on guard in these coming days and weeks, who knows what will happen when SJobs reveals himself...

Possible New iPhone Evokes Strong Imagery

2010-04-19T11:45:00.000-07:00

So, today the big hubbub is that Gizmodo managed to get their hands on what is very likely to be the next iPhone. And I admit, I like it. The design actually doesn't look too bad. At first I thought this was due to the fact that it reminded me just a little of some HTC phones with solid angles, sharper edges, etc. But no.

It didn't hit me until a few hours after I saw it why this iPhone's design struck such an emotional chord with me. Was it the functionalist, industrial masculinity, expressed perfectly through glass and metal and unapologetic angles, in a powerful phone that's remarkably streamlined? It's all of that, yes. But it's also the fact that aesthetic is rendered black with a light-colored midsection, which is why it taps into something deep and profoundly affective from my childhood:

It's practically cheating. I can't not love the design of this phone.

Now, if you're not like me and, let's face it, that would probably be good for your health, you may not realize that the preceding paragraphs are a direct parody of matt buchanan's impressions of the Droid's design when, during his review, matt discovered the Droid is the phone Batman would use.

Which leaves us only one, very important question:

Who would win in a fight? Batman, or an ice cream sandwich?

I Hate This Friggin' Sandwich

2010-04-13T18:30:00.000-07:00

I am a man of few, yet very specialized accomplishments. I once fashioned a waterproof canister out of a flashlight casing for my video camera before going white-water rafting. I can do that thing where you roll a quarter over your knuckles. I can solve a 5x5x5 Rubik's cube. And I, along with two other skilled cart pushers once pushed 102 shopping carts at once. Blocked a lot of traffic that day. Yet I am defeated by this sandwich.

First, let me introduce you to the KFC Mother Flippin' Heart Attack In A Box. Otherwise known as the KFC Double Down. And no, it's not missing the bun. That slab of fried chicken? That is the bun.

Recently, the head experimental chef for Kentucky Fried Chicken was out walking in the woods when suddenly a wormhole appeared from nowhere and sucked in both the chef and the chicken sandwich he was carrying. When he came out on the other side, The buns had become fried chicken, the fried chicken had become a couple strips of bacon and a slice of cheese, and the chef had become a bowl of spaghetti with spicy meatballs and vomit sauce. Surprisingly, they both tasted roughly the same.

For reasons I cannot possibly even fathom, this sandwich has been making it's way around the tech sphere which is why it ended up here of all bloody places. When challenged by some person on the internet to eat not one, not two, but three of these horrible monstrosities, I had no choice but to accept. Or maybe I'm just an idiot. Not really sure. Still can't think straight. My brain is swimming in salt and grease.

I am actually proud to say, I only made it through one and a half of the three of these boxes of salt and grease that I brought home. Honestly, the first one wasn't that bad. I had originally called many of my online cohorts pansies for becoming squeamish after just one. Friends, I recant my statement.

Pause for even a moment, and the salt flavor begins to marinate your tongue. When I took the first bite of the second sandwich, it was a gag fest. The cheese, by this point, was little more than a flimsy piece of weak rubber filled to the brim with salt and grease. I was hungry enough to continue eating. I was not stupid enough to do so.

I thought I was up to the challenge. I thought I could handle it. But no. No, I can not. And I'm actually glad I failed, to live another day.

I'm not the healthiest eater around, but I'm better than this. Lord forgive me, I repent.

For iPhone 4.0, Apple Mixes It Up, Copies Everyone Including Themselves

2010-04-08T13:11:00.000-07:00

The iPhone 4.0 OS was revealed today. Soon the iPhone 3GS as well as whatever new iPhone comes out this year will be able to take part in Steve Jobs' grand vision for all the new, revolutionary, totally never-seen-before features of the iPhone 4.0 software. What completely unbelievable, probably patented features can you look forward to? Well, let's take a look at them one-by-one and see which companies retroactively copied Apple.

-- Multitasking

What it is: It's finally here. Probably the single most-requested feature and most criticized flaw of the iPhone OS. Apple is finally giving you multitasking. Sort of. I mean, they're going to let certain things run in the background. Seven things in fact. Like audio. Or local notifications. Whatever the heck that means. Of course, one might ask, "Well isn't this kind of a gimped multitasking?" Well, I can't think of anything else you might need background processes for. And obviously, if you or I can't think of it, then no one on the entire planet will ever come up with an idea for something outside these seven categories. This makeshift, jury rig of a repair job on a usually-single-tasking system is obviously perfect.

Where it comes from: Android and WebOS (Palm), obviously. Both of these platforms have multitasking built in. Palm has the prettiest interface with their card-like window manager. Android has a workable-but-not-quite-gorgeous solution with an alt-tab like app switcher. Apple picked the uglier of the two to rip off. For some reason.

-- Folders

What it is: For the past three years, Apple has operated under the assumption that, despite having over 150,000 apps to download from, you would never ever need to organize your homescreen. Because you see, the iPhone isn't for the nerds. It's for the average user. And the average user has a metric crap ton of icons just scattered all over their desktop in a sleek, intuitive way. But you nerds wouldn't shut up. So now you get folders. You can create a folder, which looks like a regular icon. Except you can put other icons inside it. So you can sort of organize your icons. Instead of having a pile of app icons, you can have a pile of folders. Besides, there's nothing users like more than having to organize their desktop every time they download an app.

Where it's from: Every computer you've owned since the 1980s.

-- Unified Inbox

What it is: If you have ten billion email accounts like I do, chances are you don't want to check all of them individually. Unless you're a sadist. Are you a sadist? May I interest you in Windows Mobile, then? Anyways, back on track. Yes, the iPhone is now capable of merging all your email into one inbox. So....cool huh?

Where it's from: Blackberries, the Palm's WebOS, Android (2.0 and up). Pretty much every smartphone that was capable of figuring out people might not like different apps for each individual email account.

-- iBooks

What it is: Now, finally, the iPhone has the ability to read ebooks. Nevermind that it's been capable of reading ebooks since the kindle app. Or that some apps are nothing but individual ebooks. This is totally different. Because these books? They're from iTunes. Which, as you know, only comes with awesome. Except for when iTunes sucks. Like on Windows.

Where it's from: This one's my favorite. In addition to copying Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and all the other publishers of ebooks and ebook readers, Apple is also copying themselves with this one. Not only has the iPhone been able to read ebooks, but the iPad came with iBooks built in. though the iPad will also be getting this upgrade in the fall. So the iPad will be upgrading to get iBooks support when, before, they only had iBooks support. Gah, I love this friggin' upgrade.

-- Custom Wallpapers

What it is: You heard me.

Where it's from: The early-to-mid 90s, I think?

-- Game Center

What it is: An online meeting center for gamers. Similar to Xbox Live. In all seriousness, this sounds pretty cool. The iPhone/iPod Touch have been great for games and an online meeting place, point system...um....whatever you gamers use Xbox Live for, heck I honestly don't really know. It sounds great.

Where it's from: Xbox Live and/or PlayStation Home, of course. But if you think "well, it's the first time one a phone", think again. While it's not out to the market yet, and yes Apple will be the first to put it in consumers hands on a phone, Microsoft already announced Xbox Live integration for ~~Windows Phone Super Mega 7 Ultra Power~~ Windows Phone 7, which is due to launch by the end of this year.

-- iAds

What it is: It's advertising. It's ads inside your phone. While certain other app markets prefer to let developers find their own in-app advertising solutions (even if they're owned by the same company). But Apple wants to bring the kind of ease and integration to your mobile advertising experience that you've come to expect from their products. With the iPhone 4.0 upgrade, you can expect to see in-app ads on free apps, paid apps, ridiculously over-priced apps....all kinds of apps! Because Apple knows, above all else, that what you, as a consumer, can never get enough of, it's ADS. And it's certainly not to get back at Google over something petty*.

Where it's from: The most obvious comparison is to Admob. Though it's hard to say that Apple is copying them in this regard. While the company is now owned by Google, Admob provides ads to Android phones and iPhones alike. But what the hey? We don't want to spoil a perfect score over a technicality do we?

INNOVATION!!!1ONE

So there you have it. Another year of Apple playing catch up. Admittedly, they did better this year than they did last when they only added MMS and copy and paste and a friggin' compass. But all in all, Apple's done it again. Revolutionizing the world by bringing their products up to par with all the "inferior" products that have had their "new" features for years.

*-- Unless you count this little tidbit as petty: "We tried to buy a company called admob, and Google came in and snatched them from us." -- Steve Jobs during the Q&A session.

My, How Times Have Changed: iPad 1984

2010-04-04T22:02:00.000-07:00

What Not to Wear: Steve Jobs Edition

2010-04-04T10:13:00.000-07:00

Stacy and Clinton see Steve in Public.

Some Morons Waste $500 So You Don't Have To

2010-04-04T01:48:00.000-07:00

The price of an iPad is anywhere between $500 and $830. For the same amount of money, you could pay for a quarter's worth of tuition at the community college that I went to for video production, where I learned, among other things, that when you are the camera person for a documentary video you're supposed to point the friggin camera at the friggin' action!

Then again, judging by what they did to what they actually spent their $500 on, maybe I'm glad they didn't go to my college. Last thing we need is a dude coming into the studio with a baseball bat smashing cameras, hitting people, and laughing as if nothing nothing he's doing is wrong. As if its all just a game, completely oblivious to the pain and suffering of those cowering, horrified, in the corner...

....again.

Word of The Day 4/03/10

2010-04-03T22:16:00.000-07:00

Word Of The Day is a new daily feature for Autistic Disdain by modestmouse, highlighting tech-related terms you may or may not have heard of before.

Todays word: Appled |ap-pulled| verb

Definition: Appled similar to Appalled is to be figuratively (and sometimes literally) smothered or crushed by an onslaught of coverage for an Apple product, namely the iPad or iPhone.

Apple products are laced with an extremely potent pheromone that causes technology bloggers to become insatiably aroused. The techno-blogger then courts his or her new iDevice with an intricate and highly ritualized reviewal process, which can often be taboo or disgusting to uninitiated commenters.

This fairly well documented love affair has reached a fever pitch with the release of Apple's new tablet, the iPad. This has lead a large segment of Gizmodo's (a serious technology blog) reader base to become entranced through a process known as imitation or monkey see monkey do.

The other half of Gizmodo's reader base has become outcasts, living on the edge of the internet and foraging for tech news unrelated to Apple. With time it is hoped that things may return to normal, and everyone may once again live in perfect harmony. Until the next iProduct comes out that is.

Example: "Some people on the internet have been Appled almost to the brink of insanity."

If you have any comments, questions, or critiques; please reply with them below.

Apple Store Employee: "You don't need an iPad."

2010-04-03T12:22:00.000-07:00

Happy iPad day, everyone. Yep, it's finally here. The flippin' iPad. The salvation you've been waiting for. The revolution in computing that's going to bring all the computational tools of computing to the masses that are unable to compute using their computers.

But there's one question that any gadget maker needs to answer to the consumer: "Why should I buy this?" The iPad is no exception.

Now, normally I prefer to be sarcastic, ironic, or sardonic on this blog. But I want to clarify before I continue: the following story is one hundred percent true.

Today, on iPad Opening Day, I drove down to my local Apple Store to check out this magical, unbelievab-CRAP! See? I've been listening to the hype so much that I'm even quoting the advertising copy to describe it. That's it. After listening to the promos and arguments and blah blah blah...I need some clarity. So I walked up to the first Apple employee I saw that looked like he knew what he was talking about and said this:

Me: "I have $1000 to lay down on whatever model [of iPad] you've got*, if you can convince me to buy one..."

Employee: "Ok"

Me: "....without using the words 'magical', 'revolutionary', or 'it will change the way you blank'."

This gave the guy pause for a moment. Which was amusing to me. Then again, I like watching people squirm. But it was the next bit of the conversation that surprised me the most. After all the arguments, all the future predictions, after all the religious loyalty and endless bickering I've been a part of online, this was possibly the most frank assessment of the iPad, and it came from a trained Apple employee:

Me: "Alright, I have a laptop and a desktop. What do I need this for?"

Employee: "There is not necessarily a need. What I would say is that there is a lot of enjoyment in using it."

So there it is. Right there in black and white from a ground-floor, front-lines Apple representative. If you have a laptop, a desktop, or both, you do not need an iPad.

You can call it just the opinion of some grunt-level employee. But you know what? This guy knew his stuff. As a cynic who is just tired of the iPad coverage, I find it funny. But he's right. The iPad does not add any utility to the gadgets you already have. Note, I didn't even mention I have a smartphone. From this guy's perspective it's not a replacement or an improvement on any of the others. It's just a nice gadget. It's something cool to have.

He didn't tell me it was going to change computing forever. He didn't tell me it's a piece of crap for not having Flash. He said that it's fun to play games on it. That there's some apps that make watching media cool. I mean, I can do it on a laptop, but an iPad is also pretty cool.

I don't know about you, but I like this guy. To everyone besides him on the entire stinking planet: you're doing it wrong.

R.I.P Windows Phone 7 "Series" Jokes (2010-2010)

2010-04-02T11:17:00.000-07:00

Dearly beloved. We're gathered here today to mourn the passing of one of my most beloved Windows Phone 7 jokes. Gizmodo reports that as of now, Windows Mobile Gadget Phone 7 Super Series Sunny Happy Fun Time Extravaganza will now be known only as Windows Phone 7.

As previously reported, Microsoft released one of the most hilariously- and obnoxiously-named products since Warner Music Group signed the band The Most Absolutely Amazing And Incredibly Delicious Brand Of Off The Shelf Antacid Tablets You've Ever Tasted. The birth of Windows Phone 7 Series, though not a very popular name, brought much joy to this blogger. As a comedy writer, I love it when companies simply hand me products ripe for the teasing.

But alas, Windows Phone 7 Point Oh Major Great Stuff Series lived only a short life. One can only wonder, what kind of cruel world it is where jokes about Windows Phone's unnecessarily long, ridiculous name die young, while jokes about how the iPad sounds like it could be a brand of feminine hygiene products will continue to live long, healthy, successful lives.

Though you were with us only a short time, we will always love and cherish you, Microsoft Windows Phone Software Operating System Times 7 Extra Large Double Stuf Next Gen Fantastic Plus DX Mega Titanus Series With A Side Of Fries And A Kiss Good Night.

I'm an iPad Atheist

2010-04-02T10:00:00.000-07:00

Dear readers. I have a confession to make. It's not easy for me to say. Given where I've grown up, there has been a lot of pressure to believe certain things. And for a while, I played along because I wanted to fit in. But when I step back, and I'm honest with myself, I can't ignore the truth. I may alienate many of my friends and colleagues, but I'm afraid I can't deny the truth anymore:

I don't believe in the iPad.

I've heard all the arguments. That it's going to change my life. That, if I let the iPad into my heart, and trust that the iPad developers will provide, then all my computing needs and desires will be fulfilled. But there's simply too much room for doubt.

Where were the developers when I needed a decent video editor in college? How could a loving and benevolent company allow me to have a device that crashes, or can't handle dropped frames? And what about all those people running G4s? After Snow Leopard, they have nowhere to go. Where is the help for them?

I want to believe. I do. I dream of a world where I can edit and organize my photos, movies, and music easily. Where I can write and read and create with ease and no frustrations.

But I'm afraid the church of Apple has let me down. I know it's been said that I shouldn't let the failings of the church be associated with Apple itself. But I just don't know. I was promised, when I got my first Macbook Pro, that I would never need anything else. But so many of my needs have gone unfulfilled. I need more from life than what iMovie can give me.

And the iPad is just another disappointment. I've been warned against the harlot, Flash. How she will entice me with her honey and fine wines. But in the end, they say, I will fall to ruin. I do not see it, though. I've seen many users live happy, successful lives watching Flash videos.

So, I'm sorry, to all my friends I've made in the Church of Apple. I want you to know, you are still dear friends to me. But I simply don't believe any more.

As it is written, "You have been weighed on the scales and found wanting."

....Wait, maybe that's from a different religion.

LEAVE THE IPAD ALONE!!!!

2010-04-01T17:16:00.000-07:00

Audiophilia: Why Metallica's Death Magnetic Sounds Better in Guitar Hero

2010-04-01T13:22:00.000-07:00

Back in 2008 Wired reported that Metallica's own CD recordings are crap compared to Guitar Hero. Since that time audiophiles have noticed that this seems to be true in quite a few recordings, not just for the 'the louder the better' artists. Gamasutra tells us why.

(It's not because you used a female game character with nice tits.) (Although that seems to help.) (However, it is admittedly weird when a chick on the screen bangs like Hetfield.) (By bang I mean play guitar vigorously.)

[MeFi]

iPad Stupidity Reaches a Crescendo

2010-04-01T11:43:00.000-07:00

This says it all. Ok, not quite all.

Apparently some tech writers think that I have no family or friends - or that maybe I do, but we don't have any interest in sharing viewing experiences together. Sporting events? Blah. A movie? Better watched alone. And of course, none of your companions are interested in widescreen or HD, either.

Not only that, but to tell me that it's my 'next tv' implies that my social viewing habits are disintegrating immediately.

But wait - I'm just getting started!

Holy fuck. These people are in a different world. One where people who say negative things about the iPad a relegated to "nitpicker" status. Says Blam:

"I mean, the article about the nitpicks, a counterbalance to all the posts we have that expressed love, surprisingly resonated to the tune of 1.2m clicks to you all. They aimed for more people who wouldn't nitpick over details and would get the general magic."

This in itself is telling - persons who wish to use their influence in the tech community will do so by minimizing flaws and maximizing perceived benefits, to the point where they risk appearing to discerning persons as 'being on the payroll', 'sellouts', 'biased', 'fanboys', 'advertorialists', 'jobbers', 'Jobbers', etc.

And believe me, they are aware of the effect of influence. In the same article:

"They should have gone for straight up influence, and tuned the device for each celebrity reviewer by using apps."

Bllyyeaaach. Forget the abilities (or lack thereof) of the product. Don't nitpick. Make it fashionable. Yuck. This is not gadget reporting, this is whoring.

I have to wonder what the purpose if a gadget blog should really be, if it cannot provide objective reporting. If it leans on influence, it becomes subjective by definition.

As it stands, Gizmodo has completely lost its gag reflex. Steve has never been happier.

Google Changes Its Name: 'Topeka'

2010-04-01T00:46:00.000-07:00

Google, you've pulled some great April Fools' jokes over the years. This one is cute, but meh.

Early last month the mayor of Topeka, Kansas stunned the world by announcing that his city was changing its name to Google. We’ve been wondering ever since how best to honor that moving gesture. Today we are pleased to announce that as of 1AM (Central Daylight Time) April 1st, Google has officially changed our name to Topeka.

Nice try, ~~Google~~ Topeka. I liked it better when you Rickrolled everyone with a fake video tour.

[Google Blog]

Greenspads are Not Very Padded

2010-03-31T23:27:00.000-07:00

Not metal - steel. Like the stuff swords and tanks and battleships are made of. Under your mouse and wrist. More after the jump.

Made by Steam and MeFi enthusiast Greens, Greenspads are billed as the last mousepad you'll ever need.

Mousepads made of steel withstand the most heated frag fest while keeping your mouse hand cool. They’ll last a lifetime and are impervious to being dropped, crushed, or thrown. We’re talking about a family heirloom that would look good over your fireplace, or can help you open a beer! Initial tests have provided users with mild euphoria, increased libido, and record-breaking zombie kills.

I bet you didn't know you needed that in a mousepad.

Greenspads are handmade, sport hand-stamped personalization and come in a variety of shapes and sizes. Check out how they are made in the video below:

[Greensforged via MeFi]

Microsoft Releases Amazing New Intuitive Interface: Squares

2010-02-17T12:43:00.000-08:00

Microsoft has recently announced their brand new mobile operating system, Windows Cellular Device Mobile Phone Part 7 Series New Not Windows Mobile. Also known as Windows Phone 7 Series for short. And their new phone has an incredible, amazing, fantastic, wonderful new interface: squares.

Windows Mobile had been behind in the race for a while. Being neither renowned as a great feature phone, nor counted among the very intuitive. But with the new Windows Calling Gadget 7th Edition of Release, Microsoft has shaken up the industry by doing what no other company has dared to do. Make every element in their interface made out of squares with text on them.

The future, ladies and gentlemen, has arrived at last. And it is glorious. Right angles everywhere! Apps? Please! Who cares! This is Web 2.0 baby! All of your information now goes to a square. Facebook? Twitter? There's a square for that! Emails and texts? There's a square for that!

They're called People. Or maybe Text? Anyways. Microsoft wants you to know that they know exactly what you want in a phone. And they're going to give it to you...in squares. (See what I did there? It's like "in spades", but with squares. Because this is all square. Man I love this stuff! Haha!)

In an age where your mobile device is no longer just a portal to information, but is a remote control, breathalyzer, fan, flashlight, and any number of other amazing things, Microsoft has revolutionized the mobile market by making that multitude of operations secondary to placing Facebook and Twitter updates in one square (oh, how I love that word). That way when you go to find a text message your girlfriend sent you, you can look through all of her status updates and tweets as well. And if you want to go to any of the hundreds of other things that your phone can do...well, they'll find a square for that later. And while it's really not terribly clear where that square will be, or even if there will be that much priority given to any functions besides Twitter, Zune, and Xbox at all....you can bet that if there's a function this phone can do, it will definitely be squarely inside a square. (Hahahaha. Did you see that one, too? Oh, man! I am so thrilled.)

It's information-centric! It's square! It's the future of computing, ladies and gentlemen!

And I do mean that quite literally. Despite the fact that there are already people pledging to buy these devices (and who wouldn't buy something with so many squares in it?!), Windows Super Data Calling Social Music Square Phone 7 Series Iteration Part Deux And A Half Squared Times Infinity devices won't go on sale until sometime in the holiday season 2010. So you may as well forget about it for now. Because your square lust will go entirely unfulfilled for a while.

Google Buzz: Totally Revolutionary!!1one

2010-02-09T19:51:00.000-08:00

Google released their newest service today. Google Buzz. It's purpose is to provide a semi-public, semi-private feed of real-time information from your friends or just people around you. And it is going to change the friggin' world

For starters, let's get the obvious comparison out of the way. Google Wave. Obviously, folks will try to measure Buzz against Wave because it is also a service Google came out with. So clearly they are the same. Google Wave offers real-time document collaboration by multiple users. Google Buzz offers real-time feeds of short bits publicly or privately published by multiple users. See? "Real-time", "multiple users"? The similarities are uncanny! But don't worry. Google Buzz still manages to be revolutionary in its own right.

Google Buzz includes a host of other features that Wave doesn't. Like ~~Twitter~~ replies, followers, and micro-blogging! Yep. With Google Buzz you can now satisfy that completely never-ever-before-scratched itch to share your thoughts about whatever to a group of whoever from wherever. It's everything! It's nothing! It's hip! It's awesome!

But it's totally not Facebook. Don't you dare call it that. Shut. Up. Ok? Buzz is not Facebook. Buzz may organize your friends with Google Contacts. Or host your photos with Picasa. Or your videos with YouTube. And you may have status messages. And profiles. But it is not Facebook, ok?! Because, see, Buzz has geo-tagging (in the mobile version). So, if you update your status with a GPS-enabled phone or computer, it can include your location in your Buzz status. Which makes it easier to find you. See, whereas Facebook is for stalking people's social lives by spying on their profiles, researching their friends, and making passive aggressive statuses, Buzz is for spying on people's profiles, researching their friends, making passive aggressive statuses AND actually stalking people! Google Buzz can be creepier than Facebook could ever hope to be! Haha!

So, seriously. Join the ~~Wave~~ Buzz. Start ~~tweeting~~ buzzing. And reconnect with all your friends on Google Buzz.

Currently rolling out to all Gmail users.

Verizon Spat With AT&T Escalates: "We Can Block 4Chan, Too!"

2010-02-08T06:14:00.000-08:00

During the summer of 2009, it was reported that AT&T was blocking 4chan as part of a defense against a side-effect of a DDoS attack against 4chan. In keeping with their constant back and forth campaign regardless of user opinion, Verizon is now blocking 4chan from their users.

It comes as little surprise, as the companies are known for their dueling ad campaigns. Last year alone saw the rise of the "There's A Map For that" commercials wherein Verizon implied that AT&T's 3G network wasn't up to snuff. After a brief lawsuit failed, AT&T came up with several retaliatory ad campaign ideas including "Verizon Is A Big Red Poo-Poo Head", "Verizon Kills Kittens", "Verizon Is Owned By the KKK", and ultimately the most offensive campaign is the one they decided to launch: "Screw It, Let's Just Put Luke Wilson On The Air And Let Him Talk About Verizon."

Verizon then responded with their current slew of Droid commercials. They spent in the area of 100 million dollars to let everyone know they think the iPhone, AT&T's flagship product, is a girly product with a stupid face and an ugly dress and braces. Verizon is reported to have an unaired television spot wherein they drew big, thick glasses and blacked out teeth on the iPhone's high school yearbook photo.

Now, though, they've pulled out all the stops. Verizon, continuing under the misguided belief that "There's no such thing as bad publicity" has decided to block 4chan.org from their internet users. 4chan is of course the purveyor of all things terrible. One of the number one rules of 4chan: what has been seen cannot be unseen. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. It is also one of the most well-defended sites of citizens of the internet.

The feud is expected to escalate quickly. Likely beginning with lolcat email bombs to Verizon representatives (this is 4chan's equivalent of a warning shot). If Verizon does not address the issue, 4chan is expected to launch a full-scale attack using goatse, tubgirl, lemonparty, and any number of other terrible images sent straight to the families of Verizon executives. (WARNING to the reader: If you do not recognize any of the words in the previous sentence, I strongly advise you, DO NOT Google it. You will regret it. You've been warned.)

Further manuevers may include DDoS attacks on Verizon's homepages, or possibly the launch of their own personal nuclear bombs. Every leading member of anonymous possesses a nuclear warhead to be used in the event that any of them ever cross paths with Tom Cruise.

Naturally, Verizon can spin this a few ways. One possible campaign is "Verizon takes care to protect their internet users from dangerous sites and predators online." Another possible spin on this campaign is "Anything AT&T Can Do, We Can Do Better". Or possibly "Hey, Hey! Look What I'm Doing! Look At Me! I'm Making A Messssss! You Better Start Paying Attention To Me! Come On, Look At Me!"

Of course, as the big boys play their games, the real losers are the users in the trenches. Said one member of the /b/ imageboard:

I think it's really childish of these two to keep this up. These two companies need to grow up and be more mature.

Another user replied saying:

STFU. verizon r teh gay.

[via Gizmodo]

Tips For Socially Awkward Geeks (According to Stanford)

2010-02-05T09:08:00.000-08:00

Or perhaps more accurately, according to a certain student at Stanford. Wait, shoot! I broke the rules!

Philip Guo has a write-up of rules for the successful social interaction of geeks. Really helpful tips like "Don't be yourself", "Don't get comfortable" and "Temporarily let go of the urge to achieve absolute precision in speaking". In case you were wondering, no. There is not a footnote acknowledging the irony in that last one.

If you're interested in geeky social tips, though, chances are you have some hardware to fix or maybe a Settlers of Catan game to play. So let me sum up:

1.) Recognize that people will know you are a geek from the moment they meet you. -- Translation: they are judging you. This is your fault.

2.) Don't try to change people's preconceived notions of geeks -- When MLK said that all races should live together in harmony, he only meant the pretty ones. You are not equal.

3.) Don't get too comfortable and start being yourself -- If you begin to feel like maybe you can handle socialization and that the people around you actually like you, this is a surefire sign you're about to make an idiot of yourself.

4.) Try to talk as little as possible, and when you do speak, only ask superficial questions -- Shut up, nerd.

5.) But don't ask questions about things normal people should know -- Gosh, yes. House, Private Practice, and Grey's Anatomy are all different shows. And of course this isn't silly or superfluous. What is wrong with you? Idiot.

6.) Temporarily let go of the urge to achieve absolute precision in speaking -- Do as I say, not as I do.

7.) Don't correct anyone even when they're incorrect or imprecise -- That guy outside with a dead car battery who's about to electrocute himself with the jumper cables? If you want him to like you, let him find out the hard way.

8.) Don't use words that an 8th grader doesn't understand -- People are stupid. If you are the exception to this rule, you are not allowed to have friends.

9.) If somebody asks you about your job or hobbies, answer in one sentence -- Nobody cares.

10.) If everyone around is enjoying the ambient music, background live performance, etc., don't jump in with any analysis -- Seriously. Are you still talking?

11.) Never start a sentence with "Did you know that..." -- Ok, even I'm with the crowd on this one. I've rarely ever had a time where, when no one's talking, the phrase "Did you know..." was followed with something that improved the silence.

12.) Never start a sentence with "You should really..." -- Your expertise and knowledge are useless to the obstinate. No helping allowed.

So there you go, geeks. If you want to successful integrate yourself into society all you have to do is be completely different. Because all that crap about "just be who you are and be confident in who you are and don't worry about the critics" you heard growing up? Yeah. Total bull.

[Social Tips for Geeks by Philip J. Guo]

Chewbacca Loves Tuna When C3PO Serves It

2010-02-04T16:15:00.000-08:00

Further augmenting my love/hate relationship with George Lucas, Chewbacca and Co. sells out to Hagaromo Canned Sea Chicken. At least they do it with style.

[Metafilter]

met2art has warped into this sector...

2010-02-04T10:14:00.000-08:00

I've arrived! I'm now a snooty, high-falutin' editor for an edgy tech blog!

My devious plans include a weekly write-up of Android apps and (half-assed) reviews. Android news tends to get the shaft unless its about an impending rumored handset or a major OS update. I think people could stand a little bit of app information from time to time. Any thoughts on this?

I'll also be lending my skills at Photoshoppery and general artfulness whenever possible. Given my proclivities toward art, photography, and gadgets, expect a tasty melange of art-tech articles here and there. I'm open to suggestions, ideas and submissions. I'll do my best to keep in touch with the people who reply and comment as well.

-mt

Passive Aggressive Marketing Mother Drops Hints To Her Clueless Son

2010-02-04T10:08:00.000-08:00

There's apparently some rocky roads in the lives of one Verizon marketing director and her son. With Mother's Day fast approaching (only 93 more days, kids!), Verizon Wireless's chief of mobile handset marketing has started using her power to drop hints to her son about what she'd like to receive.

Previously known for her touching Droid commercials which resonated so deeply with males age 18-35 (being such a totally hip mom, she knows what the kids like), the head madam has released two new passive aggressive commercials for the Palm Pre Plus (try saying that three times fast).

The first, entitled "Sticky Notes" is a subtle pass at the all the director has done for her dear boy. She took him to piano lessons across town every week for 5 years (until he gave it up because he wouldn't apply himself) to the pot roasts she made every night (which he never finished and she had to throw most of it out). The "girls' night out" was, of course, a fantasy as she was never allowed any time to herself. But she was always happy to give her time to her children. Because that's what family does, isn't it? Give to each other.

At least, that's what a good family should do. Some people just don't know how to be a good family member, I guess.

The second of the two spots of course highlighted her son's previous attempt at Mother's Day gifts.

Chocolates are, of course, a very thoughtful gift. And don't get her wrong, it's not that she doesn't appreciate them. It's simply...well, her son is fairly well off now. He has a good career, a nice apartment. And you know, he always seems to have some extra spare cash to spend on his coworkers, or to buy some new add on for his car. Is it really too much to ask for him to spend a little on his dear, sweet mother? I mean, it's not like he doesn't have enough time to save up some spare change between now and Mother's Day.

Also, son, when you get it, please program your number in so she can get a hold of you. Since you never call.

10 Minutes of Star Trek Dick Jokes

2010-02-03T22:32:00.000-08:00

Going where no one has gone before....

[Metafilter]

Your Verizon MiFi is Awesome [for me to poop on]

2010-02-03T21:41:00.000-08:00

I have a new hero. And if you are a Verizon MiFi customer, pay attention. Your equipment may be a security risk.

Security consultant and accomplished hacker Joshua Wright successfully pwned the Verizon MiFi device, and shows you how to do it in full glory. The ramifications for customers? Among the usual security issues about network access, sensitive data, etc., is this gem:

Verizon limits users to 5 GB data transfer a month over EV-DO account; exceeding this watermark racks up significant fees for the end-user. A neer-do-well could compromise a MiFi device and leverage it for their download purposes, potentially avoiding racking up their own Internet use charges, or just to cause trouble for the victim.

So there you have it. You can get beaned for ridiculous data charges if the hacker hates you. Or, if you are so inclined and the threat of jail time is not a concern, you may fuck over your Verizon-inflicted neighbor.

Bonus Verizon mockery!

Will Hack for SUSHI

It's Time to Get Started

2010-02-03T15:05:00.000-08:00

OK, fellow geeks. It's time to get this blog started. Who are we? What do we do? What is this all about? It's time to decide.

This is initially envisaged as a tech humor blog, created by some gratuitous Gizmodo commenters looking for sweet mocking action. Some people take this shit way too seriously. They need help.

So you, dear visitor, have a say in what this will become. Please put your two cents in the comments. If you are skilled at writing, you have a shot as an editor. To lock up that gig, you need to be damn funny, fearless, sarcastic, and good in bed.

To get the ball rolling - we will be about tech. Parody, failure and shit. We will lambaste magnates, slap around fanboys, and point out the lameness of their gadgets with incredulous spite. All posts will drip with equal opportunity sarcasm.

That being the foundation, we have a few more things to discuss. Will we repeat news? I hope not, original content is better. But occasionally something newsworthy begs for humiliation. Will we post pictures of wank-worthy chicks? Please say yes. But if that causes problems at work, say so.

The bigger question: Will you write for AD, or will you comment? The conversation begins now.

Welcome.

2010-02-02T11:36:00.001-08:00

We need a header, bitches.

EDIT: No we don't. This will do just fine.