Autistic Disdain

Dearly beloved. We're gathered here today to mourn the passing of one of my most beloved Windows Phone 7 jokes. Gizmodo reports that as of now, Windows Mobile Gadget Phone 7 Super Series Sunny Happy Fun Time Extravaganza will now be known only as Windows Phone 7.

As previously reported, Microsoft released one of the most hilariously- and obnoxiously-named products since Warner Music Group signed the band The Most Absolutely Amazing And Incredibly Delicious Brand Of Off The Shelf Antacid Tablets You've Ever Tasted. The birth of Windows Phone 7 Series, though not a very popular name, brought much joy to this blogger. As a comedy writer, I love it when companies simply hand me products ripe for the teasing.

But alas, Windows Phone 7 Point Oh Major Great Stuff Series lived only a short life. One can only wonder, what kind of cruel world it is where jokes about Windows Phone's unnecessarily long, ridiculous name die young, while jokes about how the iPad sounds like it could be a brand of feminine hygiene products will continue to live long, healthy, successful lives.

Though you were with us only a short time, we will always love and cherish you, Microsoft Windows Phone Software Operating System Times 7 Extra Large Double Stuf Next Gen Fantastic Plus DX Mega Titanus Series With A Side Of Fries And A Kiss Good Night.

Windows Mobile had been behind in the race for a while. Being neither renowned as a great feature phone, nor counted among the very intuitive. But with the new Windows Calling Gadget 7th Edition of Release, Microsoft has shaken up the industry by doing what no other company has dared to do. Make every element in their interface made out of squares with text on them.

The future, ladies and gentlemen, has arrived at last. And it is glorious. Right angles everywhere! Apps? Please! Who cares! This is Web 2.0 baby! All of your information now goes to a square. Facebook? Twitter? There's a square for that! Emails and texts? There's a square for that!

They're called People. Or maybe Text? Anyways. Microsoft wants you to know that they know exactly what you want in a phone. And they're going to give it to you...in squares. (See what I did there? It's like "in spades", but with squares. Because this is all square. Man I love this stuff! Haha!)

In an age where your mobile device is no longer just a portal to information, but is a remote control, breathalyzer, fan, flashlight, and any number of other amazing things, Microsoft has revolutionized the mobile market by making that multitude of operations secondary to placing Facebook and Twitter updates in one square (oh, how I love that word). That way when you go to find a text message your girlfriend sent you, you can look through all of her status updates and tweets as well. And if you want to go to any of the hundreds of other things that your phone can do...well, they'll find a square for that later. And while it's really not terribly clear where that square will be, or even if there will be that much priority given to any functions besides Twitter, Zune, and Xbox at all....you can bet that if there's a function this phone can do, it will definitely be squarely inside a square. (Hahahaha. Did you see that one, too? Oh, man! I am so thrilled.)

It's information-centric! It's square! It's the future of computing, ladies and gentlemen!

And I do mean that quite literally. Despite the fact that there are already people pledging to buy these devices (and who wouldn't buy something with so many squares in it?!), Windows Super Data Calling Social Music Square Phone 7 Series Iteration Part Deux And A Half Squared Times Infinity devices won't go on sale until sometime in the holiday season 2010. So you may as well forget about it for now. Because your square lust will go entirely unfulfilled for a while.