Autistic Disdain

NPD reports that Canada is seeing a rise in PC sales. 20% for laptops and 30% for desktops. Surprising given that nobody uses PCs anymore. With something like 4 million iPads sold, pretty much everyone has them by now, so Canada is at a loss to explain why PC sales are rising.

But I'm not. Clearly, the dead laptops and desktops are now joining the ranks of the undead. And frankly, it makes perfect sense strategically. With so many different events that are set to destroy this world--alien invasion, Armageddon, 2012, the return of whatever Scientologists are waiting for, the new 3D Star Wars movies--it's only logical that two of the most hotly anticipated end-of-the-world scenarios would team up for a joint venture: the zombie apocalypse and the robot uprising. Think of it as the Hulu for the end of life as we know it.

This fall, all Windows wants to do is eat your brains*.

*-- Well, ok, so that part is nothing new.

I thought that Android's open market was a welcome reprieve from Apple's walled garden of the App Store. With no rules on content and minimal technical restrictions, it ought to be a utopia of innovation, right? Wrong. What you're seeing to your left is a screen grab of a live wallpaper (introduced in Android 2.1, currently available for most major Android handsets) demonstrating a zombie invasion. Red dots represent zombies, green dots represent civilians, and blue dots represent zombie hunters. Madness!

I've learned my lesson. I thought that I wanted openness. But now, my home screen has become invaded by starving-mad meat sacks feasting on the flesh of mortals. Now I have to fear that handing my phone to a friend or family member may get them bit and turn them into a seething, bleeding, ravenous monster.

Now I hear what you're saying at this point. "Well, gee golly gosh, Mr. Disdain. That sure sounds like an awful lot of trouble to get into. I sure don't wanna go gettin' Ma or Pop bit with my telephone device." To which I will respond with a.) what the heck is Theodore Cleaver doing shopping for a smartphone? But more importantly: I'm just getting started.

If you drop an icon on to your home screen, this acts as a nuclear bomb. That's right. A nuclear bomb. Governments all over the world are attempting to limit the use of such weapons of terrifying power, and Google, per their custom, wants to give that kind of power to the average user. For free*. No sir. Not me. I do not accept the responsibility!

Unfortunately, I've already pre-ordered my Evo, so I have no choice but to receive my 2.1 Android device that contains a security hole so big, you could drive a zombie invasion through it.