Autistic Disdain

I am a man of few, yet very specialized accomplishments. I once fashioned a waterproof canister out of a flashlight casing for my video camera before going white-water rafting. I can do that thing where you roll a quarter over your knuckles. I can solve a 5x5x5 Rubik's cube. And I, along with two other skilled cart pushers once pushed 102 shopping carts at once. Blocked a lot of traffic that day. Yet I am defeated by this sandwich.

First, let me introduce you to the KFC Mother Flippin' Heart Attack In A Box. Otherwise known as the KFC Double Down. And no, it's not missing the bun. That slab of fried chicken? That is the bun.

Recently, the head experimental chef for Kentucky Fried Chicken was out walking in the woods when suddenly a wormhole appeared from nowhere and sucked in both the chef and the chicken sandwich he was carrying. When he came out on the other side, The buns had become fried chicken, the fried chicken had become a couple strips of bacon and a slice of cheese, and the chef had become a bowl of spaghetti with spicy meatballs and vomit sauce. Surprisingly, they both tasted roughly the same.

For reasons I cannot possibly even fathom, this sandwich has been making it's way around the tech sphere which is why it ended up here of all bloody places. When challenged by some person on the internet to eat not one, not two, but three of these horrible monstrosities, I had no choice but to accept. Or maybe I'm just an idiot. Not really sure. Still can't think straight. My brain is swimming in salt and grease.

I am actually proud to say, I only made it through one and a half of the three of these boxes of salt and grease that I brought home. Honestly, the first one wasn't that bad. I had originally called many of my online cohorts pansies for becoming squeamish after just one. Friends, I recant my statement.

Pause for even a moment, and the salt flavor begins to marinate your tongue. When I took the first bite of the second sandwich, it was a gag fest. The cheese, by this point, was little more than a flimsy piece of weak rubber filled to the brim with salt and grease. I was hungry enough to continue eating. I was not stupid enough to do so.

I thought I was up to the challenge. I thought I could handle it. But no. No, I can not. And I'm actually glad I failed, to live another day.

I'm not the healthiest eater around, but I'm better than this. Lord forgive me, I repent.